How To Participate in All Conversations?


The Nod

There are basically three types of nods in any given situation. One must be able to tell the difference between the three and thereby be able to pick out the fakers and make sure you are not one of them. We suggest you choose the last option, and you will soon know why.

  • Quick, jerky nodding: This is a sure sign that the person is taking you for a ride! It is clear as day that he has no idea what the other person is saying, and that he is really a pathetic human being trying to be something he is so obviously not. And it really doesn’t help that he is doing it badly! Make sure you don’t make this mistake.


  • Really slow, regular nodding: Other than the obvious proclamation that he is a fake, he also puts across the image that he is a complete and utter fool, slow-moving and slow-thinking. Even quick, jerky nods are a better choice. Stay AWAY from this one!!


  • Intermittent, pensive nods: This is the perfect nod. For best results, try and have a faraway look in your eyes as if you were pondering on what sound a waterfall makes when no one is listening! When in use this nod puts you across as a deep, sensitive, intense individual capable of stimulating conversation and intense intellectual enlightenment. You will be very surprised to see how many open doors and opportunities this particular method will make available to you! (Hey, I got this job like that!)


Intellectual Sounds

In any conversation, there must be some kind of vocal input from you if you wanna be taken seriously. Normally just the third type of nodding would suffice but best results are normally to be seen with a combination of both! One must be very careful in all these situations not to over-kill. The moment someone feels that you are perhaps too enthusiastic or too aloof on a certain issue, the game is over. Vocal brilliance takes a lot of practice. The first thing to make sure of is that as far as possible no actual comprehensible words should be said…vocal does not necessarily mean intelligible. An interested “hmm”, a pensive “u-huh”, a triumphant “aha” at relevant moments in the conversation all form a pretty well-formed package. But care must be taken not to seem patronizing to the speaker, as that might lead to doubts about you, which could lead to investigation and thought, which is definitely something that you DON’T want!

Universal Topics

All conversations can at any point in time be changed, related or completely mutated into something else. There are a few universal topics that are always relevant and in some way related to almost all conventional topics of conversation. But pay heed, these must only be used as last resources when you are sure that nothing else can work and you are well and truly lost.

·  The weather: Yes, it is the most clichéd and yes, it is quite a pathetic attempt but hey, it works. Sad but true! The human being is innately concerned with the weather no matter how hard he tries to deny it. It has been proven time and again that there is no escaping this particular topic and it is the perfect escape route if you don’t seem to follow the conversation.

·  Sex: Not much really needs to be said about this particular topic of conversation! The average male is known to spend most of his time thinking about it, while the same can perhaps be said for the average female, though you might not always catch them admitting to it. One must take care to ease the conversation into this line. I mean, it would be kinda silly to interrupt a conversation on the economic development of South Africa as a result of the white man’s intervention with, “hey, I had a wild time last night!” THAT would be dumb. Use your discretion and for Pete’s sake don’t make it too obvious that you are “changing the topic”!

·  Music: Ah! The language of love, the soother of savage beasts, the savior of saps like you who need to bring conversations down to your levels! As long as you stay away from death-metal and gangsta-rap, you will probably be safe. Start off with a mention of the new music video or something like that. Once again, and I cant say this often enough, be discrete!!